


Half a Heart

by ghostchibi



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Team Milky Way, Team Milky Way (Mass Effect), Threesome - F/M/M, Virmire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-13 05:49:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1215013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostchibi/pseuds/ghostchibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard loses half is heart. It doesn’t matter what decision he makes; his heart is going to suffer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Half a Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in a burst of sudden inspiration at midnight and was pretty much written in one sitting. There's not enough Team Milky Way fanwork out there, and that needs to be fixed.
> 
> The Shepard in this fic is my custom Shepard, Jonathan "Ghost" Shepard. I avoided using his name in this, and thus it only shows up once.

Shepard was always good at keeping secrets. Or at least he thought. Apparently, when it came to keeping secrets from his crew, he did extremely poorly.

Soldiers didn’t pine over one-sided affection. They weren’t supposed to pine over anything, really, they were soldiers and were serious and held their chins up and marched on forward. Shepard was either not a very good soldier, or his idea of a soldier’s way of dealing with love wasn’t very good. Either way, Shepard was very, very wrong.

So when it became obvious even to him that the entire crew of the Normandy appeared to be extremely aware of the fact that their CO was pining over two crew members, Shepard was understandably embarrased. One, he thought he was good at keeping secrets. Two, soldiers didn’t pine.

And three, the people he was pining over now _knew_.

There were a lot of awkward silences and sighs and Shepard rubbing the scar on his forehead out of habit and trying to avoid the inevitable and rather necessary conversation, even as the commander, the lieutenant, and the gunnery chief sat together in the CO’s quarters for the explicit reason of having said conversation. Ashley broke the silence first.

"So. Kaidan, Shepard."

The two men responded “yeah?” simultaneously, and Ash had to suppress a smile.

"You guys do realize you need to actually say something, right?"

"I’m afraid that if I open my mouth to say anything I’ll just make everything worse," Shepard replied, and inwardly congratulated himself on managing to formulate a sentence and not fuck it up.

"Well, you managed to say that, so I’m guessing you won’t be making things worse, Commander," Kaidan added. "Err, Shepard."

They managed to talk without embarrassing themselves too much. And at the end of the conversation, Shepard found himself leaving a gentle kiss on both Kaidan and Ashley’s foreheads before they left.

* * *

Everyone on the ship knew, but everyone swore to secrecy.

Fraternization was a huge issue, and with two subordinates, Shepard would have very quickly been in hot water.

But everyone knew that Shepard and Kaidan and Ashley were more than just in love, and nobody had the heart to even think about pulling them apart. They still kept a facade of normalcy and disinterest around the crew, even thought they knew it wasn’t all that necessary.

* * *

It turned out that fraternization rules are the least of the three’s worries.  
They are soldiers. Soldiers fought, soldiers got hurt, and sometimes soldiers lost their lives. All three of them knew that. All three of them continued with their duties regardless, because they were soldiers and they knew what they had gotten themselves into when they’d joined the Alliance.

The knowledge doesn’t help ease the pain any, though.

_"Take Alenko! You know it’s the right choice!"_

_"No! Shepard, don’t listen to her, you can’t -"_

_"Kaidan outranks me, he’s more important!"_

_"That is not how it works! Shepard, grab Ash and go!"_

Shepard is terrified. He’s terrified and furious and it’s at that moment that he understands completely why there are fraternization rules. When your heart pulls you one direction and your mind pulls you another, you tend to follow your heart.

Right now his heart is pulling in two different directions.

He has to use his mind. He can’t be attached to the situation. And when he thinks properly, he knows that what Ash is saying is right.

She’s issued her own death sentence, and Shepard is unable to argue against it.

"Kaidan, hold your position," he says into his omnitool, voice shaking. He ignores Kaidan’s angry retort, and sets the line to connect only to Ashley.

"Ash-"

_"Shepard, it’s okay. It’ll be okay. You better not cry over me."_

"Please don’t think that I don’t love you."

_"I’ve never doubted you, Shepard."_

"I’m sorry."

_"I’m sorry too."_

"Ashley Williams, I love you. I’ll always love you."

_"And I’ll always love you too, Jonathan Shepard."_

"I’m sure Kaidan’s going to wanna talk to you too," Shepard manages to say before he cuts off the line, making a mad dash to the bomb where Kaidan was.

* * *

 

As soon as they’re back on the ship, Kaidan storms over to Shepard and stands right in front of him, eyes burning with anger. Shepard stares back, cold and hard and authorative, and after nearly a good minute of glaring Kaidan gives up and leaves, leaving behind an almost tangible trail of fury and grief.

The moment that Kaidan is out of view, Shepard slams his fist down onto the edge of the galaxy map. He ignores everyone gasps of alarm and the sharp pain in his now-broken knuckles.

* * *

They don’t talk to each other for days, stretching into weeks. Eventually a month passes and they still won’t acknowledge the other’s presence, and by now everyone has passed the point of empathy and are ready to bash the lieutenant and commander’s heads together.

Surprisingly, the first one to make a move is Wrex.

Unsurprisingly, he does it in the most unsubtle way possible.

The krogan storms into the CIC and grabs Shepard by the waist as he walks by. Shepard nearly falls over and suddenly Wrex is holding him with an arm looped around his midsection.

"Wrex, what the everloving fuck-"

He makes his way over to Kaidan this time in the cockpit, Shepard continuing to demand an explanation from him the whole time. He plucks Kaidan out of the copilots seat and throws him over his shoulder, and then makes his way back to the elevator. Now there are two Alliance officers angrily shouting at the krogan, and Wrex is completely unfazed.

Everyone else is just confused.

"PUT US DOWN!" Shepard roars, and a few people scurry off in fear.

Wrex is just silent, although he’s got a grimace on his face. He hits the button for the elevator with his foot, and Shepard is sure that there are some cracks in the panel afterward.

The two continue to demand that Wrex let them go, and Wrex exits the elevator still completely silent. They pass the sleeper pods, and there’s a storage area off to the side there. Wrex hits the panel with his foot again…

…and _tosses_ both soldiers into the room.

"YOU TWO ARE PATHETIC!" Wrex finally roars, and his voice is loud enough that the whole ship seems to shake from it. There’s a bit of a crowd now, Garrus and Tali having followed Wrex over when they spotted him carrying Shepard and Kaidan, and Liara having hurried over when she heard the noise.

"Wrex, you better start explaining yourself or _god help me I will not hesitate to-_ " Shepard manages to cut in.

"To what, sent me out the airlock?" Wrex asks, sneering. "You couldn’t do that even if you tried, especially not in the sorry state you’re in right now. Won’t even say a word to the lieutenant over here, and lieutenant here’s no better anyway!"

Wrex turns on his heel and leaves, pushing Garrus out of the way rather forcefully.

"You two are staying in there until you talk!"

"Wh-"

"Wrex, don’t you dare-"

And then the door is slammed closed, leaving Shepard and Kaidan alone in the dim storage room.

* * *

Even though they’ve been told that they aren’t leaving until they talk, neither has attempted to even say a word. Shepard is sitting with his back against the wall, while Kaidan paces around, occasionally looking toward Shepard before going back to staring at the ground.

"We aren’t getting out of here until we talk," Kaidan says. Shepard is still silent.

"You know that Wrex will physically keep the door in place if he has to."

Still nothing.

"Shepard, _goddammit_ , say SOMETHING!”

Shepard slowly stands up, and that’s when Kaidan finally notices that there are tears in his eyes.

"What am I supposed to say?" he asks quietly, and he’s forcing himself to look Kaidan in the face instead of at the ground like he desperately wants to. "Am I supposed to apologize?"

"I want an explanation."

"I had a hard decision to make, I made my decision."

"Is that all it really was to you? A decision?"

Shepard wipes the tears from his eyes and walks over to Kaidan. Kaidan is taller than him by quite a bit, but Shepard’s eyes are hard and the lieutenant suddenly feels very, very small.

"No. No matter what my choice would have been, I would have lost half of my heart, Kaidan. When your head pulls you one way and your heart pulls you another, I’m the type who follows my heart. Tell me, what are you supposed to do when your heart is pulling in two different directions, just as hard both ways?"

Kaidan suddenly understands.

"You… you go with your head then. Follow logic."

"Yes."

"And… logic said that I was more important."

"Yes."

"You know that’s not true," Kaidan sighs. "You know that my life isn’t more important than hers just because I’m a higher rank."

"I know."

Shepard turns around and goes back to sit against the wall again, his head hanging down. He’s crying again.

Kaidan sits down next to him, not quite close enough that they’re touching. Shepard’s hands are in his lap, fingers threaded together, and by the way they’re shaking Kaidan is worried that he’s going to punch something again. The knuckles on his left hand are still dark with bruises.

Kaidan takes a chance, and puts his hand over Shepard’s. They immediately stop shaking.

"There was no right choice, Shepard."

"I know."

"We’re… we’re both hurting."

"Yeah."

"…we’re both idiots."

"Definitely."

"Ash would kick our asses."

"No doubt."

Shepard’s shoulders fall just a bit as he relaxes, and he leans against Kaidan. He’s crying again, and Kaidan notices that when Shepard cries, he’s silent. There’s some soft sniffling, but other than that he makes no noise. No sobs, nothing.

Kaidan wraps both arms around Shepard and pulls him in tightly.

"You don’t have to hold back," he whispers.

A shaky breath leaves Shepard’s lips, followed by a quiet whimper, and then a sob. Kaidan’s crying now too, and he rests his forehead against Shepard’s and closes his eyes.

They’ve both been hurting, and in their pain had deprived themselves of the only thing they needed.

* * *

"I think they’re done talking."

"Or maybe they’ve torn each other to pieces."

"Wrex, you are horrible."

"It would be fun to watch them try."

"No, it really wouldn’t."

The door of the storage room slides open, and the four aliens blink.

"Hrmph, so they didn’t tear each other to pieces."

"Do you want to wake them up?"

"No, bosh’tet. They need all the rest they can get after what they’ve been through."

"I believe it is best if we did move them to the captain’s quarters though."

Shepard and Kaidan are fairly well tangled up in each other, Kaidan with one arm slung over Shepard and Shepard’s leg wrapped bent around Kaidan’s. Wrex moves forward again to grab the two, and Garrus tries to stop him.

"Uhh, Wrex, maybe you should leave that to us-"

To everyone’s surprise, Wrex knels down and gently picks Shepard up, then Kaidan, and slings both of them over his shoulders.

"I know how to be gentle, you know," he laughs when he sees the looks on everyone’s faces. "Move, I have to get these pyjaks into a proper bed."

* * *

When Shepard wakes up, he’s rather confused. The last thing he remembers is being locked in the storage room, crying his eyes out while pressed tightly against Kaidan’s chest, and now he’s in a bed with another body against his back.

He blinks and sits up, and gradually he’s aware that he’s in his quarters. Had someone brought him up here? Maybe he’d fallen asleep and someone had finally let him and Kaidan out. Shepard props himself up on his arms and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, before looking to his side.

Kaidan’s fast asleep, hair somewhat disheveled, brows furrowed. He’s dreaming, but it doesn’t sound pleasant. Shepard lies down again, wrapping both arms around Kaidan protectively.

"It’s okay," he whispers. "It’s okay."

There’s more they need to talk about when Kaidan wakes up. But for now, Shepard is okay with this, trying to recover from having their hearts torn in two.

It’s going to get better, and it’s going to be okay.


End file.
